Snig the Axe
A Candid Interview
by Bill Baldwin
Snig the Axe has been around the D&D Miniatures scene since Archfiends and is one of only three Uniques to have multiple incarnations. But unlike Lidda and Regdar, nothing much is known about our favorite goblin outside of the miniatures game. Our reporter, Bill Baldwin, tracked down Snig at a recent tournament to get to know him better.
BB: Snig…can I call you Snig?
StA: What in the Nine Hells makes you think that? It's "Mr. the Axe" to you.
BB: I didn't mean any offense, Sn … err, Mr. the Axe. I'm here to let all of your longtime fans learn more about you. I see you just finished a match. How did it go?
StA: It went fine 'til my kobold-brained player ordered my squad on a suicide mission. My minions and I fought as best we could, but in the end, I had to tactically re-deploy to the rear.
BB: Do you mean that all of your minions died, and you routed off the board?
StA: Don't presume to 'interpret' my words! I said what I meant. How could a soft human like you understand complex military tactics and jargon?
BB: My apologies again. It's just that no one really expects much from goblins.
StA: What's that supposed to mean? When you tall folk look down your puny, pasty noses at goblins, you may see just another greasy little demihuman, but when they look back up your noses at you, all they see are boogers.
BB: Riiiight … . Let's move on.
StA: 'Bout time.
BB: You are more than just unique because of your special ability; No other goblins that we've seen have bright, yellow skin. Some people have suggested a skin dye was involved. What's the story?
StA: "Some people" have been getting too many lunch visits from Shuluth. If you must know, the yellow coloration is caused by a rare skin condition called 'yelloligo' that begins in imphood.
BB: Tell me about your early years.
StA: I began collecting minions almost as far back as I can remember, and I started my own gang shortly after. Some goblins and other creatures made fun of me, but we made sure they didn't do it for long, if you get my drift. *snort*
BB: I see. As you may know, there are rumors of a power struggle between goblin and axe. Which of you is really the boss?
StA: Is Mack the Knife a shiv? Is Britney Spears a cleaver on a stick? Who's spreading that rumor? Give me a name! There's no question about who's the boss here. It should be obvious to anyone with the perceptive power of a gelatinous cube.
BB: How are your relationships with other Lawful Evil creatures? Do you mind always playing second fiddle to other commanders?
StA: Does it state "Willing to Follow" on my stat card? I don't think so! I play second fiddle to no one -- not Lord Soth, not Mina, and especially not that rotter Urthok. Thinks he's so high and mighty. He'll get his one of these days, mark my words!
BB: What about your relationship with the Sniglets? Some people claim your minions are the only useful thing about you and that, without them, no one would ever put you in a warband.
StA: Bah! There go "some people" again. I want to know who "some people" are. It's you, isn't it? If I find out ….
BB: What about my question?
StA: The Sniglets are my posse, and that's it. They're along to cover my six. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't even have jobs. I do all the heavy fighting in that group. It's about me! Do I have to go solo to prove that? 'Cause I will …
BB: How do you get along with the other Uniques?
StA: We gets along fine, I guess. Lidda and I used to have 'a thing', ya know. Till that self-righteous pipsqueak Ulmo showed up, anyway. 'Lightbringer' my bright, yellow butt. Ahh, he probably did me a favor. I've had my eye on Rikka lately, know what I mean?
BB: Moving right along … let's talk about the game. How did you react to the Drider Sorcerer being banned?
StA: Can't say I was surprised. Saw it coming a mile away. You all heard the official reasons, but I know the real story.
BB: And what's that?
StA: Word on the battlemat has it that your fiendly, neighborhood Drider-man slurped up a bit too much eggnog at the Christmas party and tried to pull a baleful transposition with Shoe's woman, if you take my meaning. Humans as a lot are weak and pathetic, but they do get riled when you mess in their sandbox.
BB: Some people claim you are no longer Tier 1 material. How does that make you feel?
StA: These "some people" you keep tossing out there need to be dunked in a Taer's outhouse. ****** them! ****** them to the *** ******* of ****-***'**! Just look at my new stats. I'm stronger than ever! I gained three levels! And I ride around on a Worg! How cool is that? Who else rides on a Worg? Nobody, that's who! So "some people" can just shut their gobs.
BB: OK, that's all true, but you also cost a lot more as a Worg-rider. Are you over-priced?
StA: Hey, you want quality, you gotta pay for it. I hear that about Duante Culpepper, too, but he's still pulling down millions in the NFL. Anyway, even if some ungrateful DDM players -- and don't kid yourselves, we know who you are -- are saying that, the RPGers love me even more than before.
BB: They do like the fact you are now riding a Worg. What's its name?
StA: I call him Snag the Fang. And, no, he ain't got no set of magic dentures named 'Snag' controlling him. *snort* He's a good dog. Real useful for cleaning up the meaty messes I leave behind.
BB: Your perch on Snag's back seems a bit precarious. How do you stay on during combat without a saddle?
StA: Well, I put a lot of ranks into my Ride check when I went from 3rd to 6th level. But the real secret is double-sided duct tape. Helps me stay on and gives both me and Snag real incentive not to be separated, if you catch my gist … riiiip!
BB: Worgs are only medium creatures, yet in War Drums, you and Snag are considered large. There have been rumors of illegal potion of enlargement use. Would you care to comment on that?
StA: That's a darned lie! We just been workin' out is all. Workin' out real hard. We're getting ready for our epic début in the upcoming huge set where I'm the centerpiece -- War of the Goblin King.
BB: War of the Goblin King? We haven't heard any announcements about that.
StA: Shows what you know. The next set is all about me. I told Rob Heinsoo and Shoe a while back that I wasn't working for two copper pieces and a box of kibbles. They couldn't give me a raise, but they promised that I'd get the spotlight in the next huge set. That's why it's called War of the Goblin King. Guess who's the Goblin King.
BB: Sn … Mr. the Axe, we've been told that the next huge set is War of the Dragon Queen.
StA: *Response censored*
BB: I'm sure that all your fans would thank you for your time, and we've all learned a lot about you.
StA: Lucky you. Where's my check?
About the Author
Bill W. Baldwin lives on the Space Coast of Florida with his gaming family of a wife, two daughters, and assorted pets. He started playing D&D in 1974 and was a wargamer and miniatures gamer even before that. Bill has been published in Dragon Magazine and does freelance work for Wizards of the Coast.