It's not easy finding dates when you're green, evil, and covered in scales. Without further delay, let's meet our three bachelors and hear their stories from the creatures themselves.
Turn-Ons: Midnight raids, sinking ships, sharks, and torture.
Pet Peeves: People who breathe only air, people who think elves are people, and people who mispronounce sahuagin. [Editor's note: Rhymes with "Ah, you ag'in."]
Seeks: Like-minded Lawful Evil warbands.
Offers: A few levels of ranger, attractive lines, good paints for an uncommon, and a magic elf-killing trident that makes all the other sahuagin jealous.
Turn-Ons: Poisonous snakes, sharp pointy weapons, abusing pureblood yuan-ti, snakes that kill people by swallowing them in one gulp, and torture.
Pet Peeves: People who get confused and refer to half-blood yuan-ti as pureblood yuan-ti; most other people.
Seeks: Yuan-ti commander.
Offers: Multiple melee and ranged attacks, acid damage, poison damage, spell resistance, hiding, and spells -- pretty much the entire, evil henchsnake package.
Turn-Ons: Cunning plans, creatures that follow orders, and torture.
Pet Peeves: Creatures that are immune to poison; video games that fail to understand the cause of the yuan-ti liberation army.
Seeks: Followers whose poison abilities can be increased by my commander effect.
Offers: No frills, no false promises, no lies. Just look into my eyes.
That concludes this week's episode of The Mating-Season Game. Join us next week when we return to semi-seriousness with a visit to "Apartment 3-CG."
About the Author
Rob Heinsoo started playing D&D with the original brown box in 1975. He's now the lead designer of D&D Miniatures.