Question: What could possibly be wrong with a 67-point, 90-HP Fearless miniature with great AC and perfect Spell Resistance that is capable of consistently hitting Epic-level opponents for 40 points of damage per turn? Answer: Well, something better be, or it'll knock this game all out of whack.

Behold the Brass Golem -- a creature with exemplary statistics that you do not buy with points. You pay for him by tolerating his weaknesses, and here they are:

• He's slow. For a large figure, his movement is unspectacular. Like any large figure, he'll spend a lot of movement points getting around terrain features, which is even more of a problem for Big Mr. Brassy because …
• He relies on charging. His attack score of +19 is excellent, and 20 magic damage is respectable. But isn't 40 magic damage at +21 better? A traditional beater stands toe-to-toe and lays down massive damage, but this guy loses fully half his hurt-per-turn layout if he doesn't charge. Can you really maneuver well enough to set this guy up for a charge every turn? You may want to save yourself the trouble of trying because here comes the biggie …
• He depends on a commander. If the commander he is linked to is destroyed, the Brass Golem meanders off the battlefield to the nearest Brass Pub to drink away his guilt. Especially in sealed, where commanders tend to be low-cost commons, this is an excellent way for your opponent to remove your main beater and pocket 67 laughably easy points.
• And don't forget, he's immune to all spells. Couatl would be a great commander to pair him with if his neigh-limitless snake's swiftness spells didn't just bounce off the Golem's shiny metal hide.

So, is he worth all the heartache? Oh yes. This is a very solid piece (made even better by the fact that he's an easily-obtainable Uncommon).

Synergies

As long as he is paired with a survivable commander, the Brass Golem is well worth the trouble. This can be touchy in 200-point games but is much easier in Epic.

Epic

The need for a sturdy commander means the Brass Golem is best suited for Epic scenarios. Alongside one of the classic beater/commanders such as Bahamut or the Epic Solar, the Golem provides magnificent damage against even your opponent's toughest figures.

Let's put it this way: is the Epic Raistlin getting a little too much tournament play? Would you feel better if you had a 67-point Uncommon that is immune to all of Raistlin's spells and would strip him of exactly half his life in a single hit that would miss only on a roll of 1? I thought you might.

About the Author

Gabriel is a Seattle-area improv comedian with over 1,500 appearances to his credit. Though only 32, he's been gaming for a quarter-century now. What did he learn from all that? Rules are not as important as fun.